Testimony: Part 1 – Depressed… Who me?

Have you ever smiled through the darkest days, hoping no one would see the cracks behind the mask?

I trust that me sharing this will help shed some light on depression for someone. 

Very few people know that I struggled with depression from very young.  It was a very difficult process for my parents as I seemed fine but would have these dark days that was difficult to navigate.  I remember meeting with my first psychologist at 10.  The school suggested that I go due to the traumatic experience (molested by a close family friend) that was exposed the years before. I remember that I kept saying that its stupid and I don’t like going there.

So, I had fewer public breakdowns in front of my parents (or anyone) to avoid having to go back. 

I developed “Closet Depression” it’s a form of depression that is hidden from others, I was a normal happy & functional girl but internally I battled daily with anxiety & sadness. The pressure to maintain the façade of “having it all together” pushed me to live a lie and conceal my depression.

It was like wearing a mask every day. On the outside, you see a smile, but behind the mask, there is darkness and emptiness. It’s an internal battle, hidden from the world but very real to the person going through it.  I become an expert at masking my pain because the fear of being seen as weak or burdensome was too much for me to handle.

My depression was aggravated due to being bullied.  Out of all the people why would the bully pick on me – there was no way she knew I was depressed so why pick the happy girl.  I got bullied – and it was horrible.  I remember thinking when I leave primary school all will be good – a new fresh start – only to walk right into another group of bullies.

High school was the worst.  Wearing my mask was becoming a battle on its own while I was trying to navigate all my new teenage hormones & facing these horrible girls every day.

I remember my self-worth was at such a low I started looking for something to pick me up and make me feel better but as you can imagine, drinking, drugs and sexually being used does not help anyone.

I hit a downward spiral and failed to hide my depression so back to the phycologist I go.  The meds put me into Zombie mode – I carried on with life with zero care – thanks to those lovely pink tablets.  3 months later I realised that I hated this feeling of not being in control and convinced my parents that I am fine – healed. 

I don’t need the Doctor or the tablets.

Mask back on and back to my old routine of pretending.  The girls at school were getting out of hand.  I remember having thoughts of suicide but then realising if I did that then people would know I was depressed, and I can’t have that coming out, so I motor on with my mask.

I left school, regretfully too early.  But at the time I felt that that is what I needed as I could no longer deal with the constant bulling.  I got a job and had a fresh start – no bullies this time.

I had the need to be perfect, to meet certain expectations, or to maintain an image of strength. This was driven by societal pressures, family expectations, and my personal desire to avoid being vulnerable.  I kept thinking, "I can’t let anyone know I’m struggling. What will they think of me?" This fear often led to me trying even harder to pretend.  So, I partied harder – no depressed person is s social butterfly so that would be my best disguise.

It’s like a wound that’s hidden under a bandage. From the outside, no one sees the injury, but beneath the surface, it festers. The longer it stays untreated, the worse it becomes…

Fast forward to my late teens early 20’s.  I met my husband, and we were madly in love.  You would think that I would feel comfortable enough to share my struggle with depression with him but no – there was no way this man can ever find out that I was a looney.  So, I had to up my game even more with my mask wearing.

My baby sister tragically passed away in 2002 and little did I know this will push my can of hidden worms into the open.  I managed for long until someone suggested I go see a psychologist to help me work out the depression caused by my sisters passing – at least I had an excuse this time.

I liked this Dr. – he did not see me as something broken to fix – explained how the tablets will work by assisting a chemical imbalance that causes the depression.  I was so glad to hear that it’s not my fault I was depressed but that it was an actual illness.  Truthfully, I did not disclose my history of depression to him but was always so grateful for his patience.  It truly was a 1st step for me.  Drinking the tablets cleared my mind for the first time and I realised that I needed to speak about my struggles.

One of the dangers of closet depression is that, because the person isn’t seeking help or sharing their feelings, the depression can deepen. The more someone hides their depression, the more isolated they feel. Over time, this isolation can lead to greater emotional and mental distress, and in severe cases, thoughts of self-harm or suicide.

It’s like a storm brewing inside while everything seems calm on the outside. Eventually, the storm can become too overwhelming to contain.

Healing from closet depression requires breaking the silence and seeking support, whether from a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional. It’s about finding a safe space to express emotions without judgment.

It was only in my 30’s that I finally broke the silence.  My husband was very understanding but I could see he did not understand how I managed to hide something like this for so long.  I don’t blame him – I got so good at hiding it that I even forgot I had it, until it will poke me and remind me that it was still very actively living within me.

Finding someone that wears this mask is not easy – they will never openly disclose to anyone that they are.  How do we help someone that lives with Closet depression? We don’t, we make ourselves available to friends and family and encourage people to be vulnerable.  Share emotions.  Show them your emotions and weakness so they can see it is ok to share raw emotions.  Understanding that opening-up doesn’t mean they are weak—it means they are strong enough to seek healing.

Psalm 34:17-18 speaks to the comfort God offers in our pain:

“The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Even in the darkest moments, God hears and is near, offering strength and healing.

In my next post, I’ll share how God’s light began to pierce the darkness and how I took the steps toward true healing.

P.S. please feel free to reach out to me if you ever need someone to talk too.